The Tao of Monkey Land

Published September 5, 2012 by Maryanne

“Take your stinking paws off me you damned dirty ape!”

Stress.

Everyone has it, but what do we do for it?

We go to the spa, we eat chocolate, we hit the gym, we swig a beer, we take bubbles baths and go dancing …

But I’ve come to the realization, that there is no greater stress buster than yelling out Charlton Heston, aka George Taylor “Planet of the Apes” quotes at the top of your lungs when faced with undesirable situations that even the most positive people in life just can not avoid.

Medical studies show that stress can be relieved by letting out a hearty yell. But why just yell for the hell of it? Why not give a big yell for all human kind with some fine quotes made famous by Charlton Heston? That way, you will make this old world think twice about getting you down, especially since some people are so ridiculous, you may feel like we’re living on a planet run by monkeys.

Heston’s quotes can be used in multiple stress-inducing situations. Below are some examples I use on a semi-regular basis. In order for best effectiveness, be sure to say them like you mean it!

Classic Heston Quotes

“Take your stinking paws off me you damned dirty ape!”

I love to use this one at the supermarket when some impatient idiot jams their shopping cart into my ass because I’m not moving fast enough for him/her.

“If this is the best they’ve got around here, in six months we’ll be running this planet.”

I’m always saying this to myself when I have to repeat myself to a customer service rep because she/he didn’t listen the first time because they were too busy daydreaming. Or when a genius Whole Foods cashier squeezes all my bottles into one shopping bag making the bag impossible to lift, or so heavy the canvas tears.

“It’s a mad house! A mad house!”

I save this one for when the dumbest of dumb people aggravate me. Sometimes I honestly don’t know how some people get by in life.

For instance, when I try to make a business call and the person on the other end gets pissed at me for calling at a “bad time.” (DUH — how was I supposed to know it was a bad time to call? Do I look like Uri Geller! Just let the machine pick up — IDIOT!)

“A planet where apes evolved from man? There’s got to be an answer.”

I say this to myself when I see people doing the most asinine things like texting while driving, not disciplining their kids, crossing the busy streets while talking on cell phones, over-doing it with the Botox, etc. — because sometimes just merely rolling your eyes does not cut it.

“It’s too late for a wake, she’s already been dead a year.”

When it takes forever for the waitress to come to your table.

And finally …

The mother of Charlton Heston/George Taylor quotes — CAUTION: Only to be used in worst case scenarios (and you can fill in the blank on that one!)

“YOU MANIACS, YOU BLEW IT UP! OH DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!”

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4 comments on “The Tao of Monkey Land

  • You a hysterical, Maryanne! I am still laughing. I’ll enjoy those few stress free moments before I go back and choose which phrase is appropriate for the day!

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