Jealousy, an Ugly Disease

Published June 11, 2013 by Maryanne

jealous-women-04(Photo swiped from Google search)

I’m like an old shoe, I can be friends with anyone. I’ve been told by many that I’m the most loyal friend a person can have, that I always make people feel comfortable and that I light up a room when I walk in. I’m also the most forgiving and forgetting. I love to make people laugh and focus on the positive.

Over the years I’ve seen candid photos of myself with other women taken at parties — more than once —Ā  where I was smiling like the blonde in the above photo; and the other woman was looking at me negatively, like the brunette is doing.

Some may poo-poo it and say that it was just a bad shot of the other girl, but I see it differently. You just know, deep in your heart, when someone has it in for you. And that is sad — to be truly a good person yet suffer as victim of that ugly disease known as jealousy.

When I was a little girl, my mother taught me, if someone has something you don’t have, don’t be jealous, be happy. I think that was the greatest lesson my mother ever taught me because I’ve grown into an amazing woman who is truly happy when others are happy. I dread gossip, back-stabbing, dirt and drama. I want to live in a la-la-la-land of everything my heart — and your heart — desires. I want nothing but good for all! I want to hear all your happy stories. I want to hug you and rejoice in your good fortune — again and again and again!

I am so blessed that I have the most wonderful girlfriends in the world who are like me and don’t have a jealous bone in their body … except, some admit, when it comes to men.

Being jealous in a relationship is just as bad as being jealous of other women — if not worse. Being jealous in a relationship means you lack the biggest thing that holds a relationship together — trust.

Since I met my husband later in life, when I was 42 and he was 46, of course we both had pasts. But the beauty of it, is that we met when we were both available! Two months prior I had broken up with one of the biggest assholes I ever dated and around the same time my husband’s divorce was finalized. It was such a gorgeous thing that we met when we were both FREE! No sneaking around, no lying, no feelings of guilt. We were free to fall madly, deeply, intensely in love — as we did! What a blessing! Neither of us will ever have to question: “If she/he cheated on him/her, will she do it to me?”

When I met my husband, I had more male friends than female friends. Some were exes. And my gorgeous husband was so cool, so trusting, that it didn’t matter that I stayed in touch with them. After dating quite a few (but in fairness, not all) jealous guys my entire life, it was completely refreshing to find someone who had so much faith in me and our relationship. That alone made me fall even harder for my husband.

My husband is friends with his ex girlfriend (not ex-wife)’s brother — an amazing guy who I love having in our life. If I was a jealous person and forbid my husband to be friends with his ex’s brother, I’d be missing out because this friend is one of the coolest guys in the world. (If there are any single girls in NJ that want a great guy, he’s available, I’ll hook you up! But you better be worth it!) I also had the pleasure of meeting his sister a few years ago and she is super great too. Her daughter is a great little actress and we saw her in a school play.

So, as I’m expressing my wedded bliss, I have to say I never take our non-jealousy for granted. Prior to meeting my husband, I’ve had so many ugly escapades with jealous exes and well as jealous female friends, I count my blessings every minute that I’m so happy, in a satisfying, drama-free relationship and that none of my girlfriends are jealous either.

Let me count the horrible things (in no particular order) I’ve experienced in my life due to jealousy of others:

1. The time I went to a record fair with a girl I thought was my friend. She was an aspiring writer, but was so jealous that we ran into a famous rock star who complimented me on my writing. The next day she wrote me a super long email telling me how she hates me and hopes I “rot in hell” because all she ever hears about is my writing career.

2. A psycho ex who DEMANDED I take down a poster of HIM lead singer, Ville Valo, because he thought I looked at it before I went to bed. This same ex threw out my D-Generation CD because he was jealous of the lead singer, Jessie Malin. This same psycho ex was so jealous he threw out my JUST FOR FUN porn collection (magazines and videos I had from the 1970s and a Forum Penthouse magazine that had Cher on the cover). HOW CAN YOU BE JEALOUS OF PAPER IS BEYOND ME! I also, after the relationship ended, found that several other CDs that he didn’t like were missing.

3. Another psycho ex who was so jealous he wouldn’t take me to a restaurant unless I wore jeans. I couldn’t wear anything pretty. I had to blend in. And because of his insecurity he was on a constant mission to call me ugly names to make me feel bad about myself. He thought he was such a big deal, but I was bored in less than two months.

4. I was so happy to have reconnected with a cousin on Face Book a few years ago. We were going back and forth with emails and even planning to see each other. Then when I announced my engagement, she totally cut me off, stopped answering my emails and I never heard from her again. (And I not only went to her wedding, but her sister’s too, as well as engagement showers!) Same thing happened with several other pseudo “friends” who failed to acknowledge my engagement or wedding because they were jealous. ENVY IS SO UGLY!

5. An ex who threw a fit after we went to a movie because during the movie I pulled out a pen and pad and said, “This would be a cool thing to write about.” I was supposed to be holding his hand the entire movie. Bad Maryanne!

6. The few people I’ve worked with over the years who cut me off whenever I spoke about my happiness with my husband. I wasn’t “allowed” to speak of good things with my love because they were having problems with their wives or boyfriends or f*ck buddies. NOT COOL!

So for anyone who thinks jealousy is a “good thing” and it means you care — it doesn’t. It means you have trust issues. It means you’re insecure and can use a major self-esteem boast. It means you have an inferiority complex. It can even mean that YOU have something to hide. (What’s that saying, a man will accuse his chick of cheating if he’s a cheat himself? Oh yeah, I see this a lot!)

The good news is jealousy can be fixed with hard work and good intentions. If you Google “How to Stop Being Jealous” there are many great articles that give excellent tips. Don’t let this ugly disease control your life and emotions.

And to anyone who has hurt me due to jealousy, I am more than willing to forgive if they come to me with an apology that I very much deserve — thankyouverymuch!

jealous

no-jealousy

“JEALOUS AGAIN” by BLACK FLAG

jealousy-the-jealous-are-troublesome-to-others-quote-pq-0154-2012-r

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15 comments on “Jealousy, an Ugly Disease

  • I guess to each his own. I think the people who were jealous of you in that way were jerks. Everyone has to find what works for them in their relationship.

    • To each his own, but I can never agree that jealousy is a good thing. If you Google it, there is nothing anywhere where a therapist says it’s “good.” It’s totally unhealthy and dysfunctional. How that can work baffles me.

  • I agree with William Penn. Jealous people torture themselves. It is really sad I think – jealous people will never be happy, content or secure, it’s a real sickness.

    WOW – haven’t heard jealous Again in a very long while. Thanks!

  • Couldn’t agree more with all your points Maryanne! I feel very strongly about this as well.

    And I really hate the way jealousy and psycho behavior is promoted, especially in Hollywood rom-coms and chick lit. Jealousy is absolutely not a show of love, it is a display of distrust and insecurity, and a really ugly one at that.

    I’ve had my share of run ins with the green monster and it aint pretty. People need to own their issues and emotions and work toward building trust. It can be done šŸ™‚

    Thanks for sharing, great post!

    Rohan.

    • Thanks so much Rohan! I can’t stress enough how jealousy is not a good thing and can even lead to worse things. And I totally agree that working on developing better emotions can be done. But it’s so sad that people push their bad points to the back burner and would rather find others like them than be with a good person who inspires them to up their game. I guess it’s easier for some to stay in the sad, “woe is me” dark hole instead of climbing out to reach the stars šŸ™‚

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