True Friends Don’t Have to Tell Each Other Everything

Published January 11, 2017 by Maryanne

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The other day a beloved friend asked me a question I didn’t feel comfortable answering. But instead of saying so, I gave the best answer I could while on the spot. After much thought, I shared in an email how I felt, that it was a very personal question.

My friend was hurt and felt that she should be able to speak freely. While I was sympathetic towards her feelings, I needed to be protective of my own as well. I felt it was time in our friendship to set up guidelines about what is and isn’t appropriate to speak about. And I was entitled to that.

Certain things are personal and sacred, and should only be discussed with lifetime partners. If friends really love and support each other, they should also love and support each other’s comfort zones. In other words — know your audience.

Some friends may be very comfortable talking about money, estates, assets, gossip, politics, and/or their sexual exploits. Others may prefer talking about health, hobbies, music, animals/pets, philosophy, spirituality, work, and art. Put me in the category of the latter. While others may feel differently, the topics I favor are so much more fun, intellectual, and enlightening!

It may seem like I’m a “tell all” kinda gal because I’m a writer and am always expressing myself in front of my readership. As another friend once said, that I “put it all out there.” But she is wrong. I don’t. The more I tell, the more I keep secret. Lives are so grand and complicated that you can probably write 10,000 honest words about yourself per day without really revealing a damn thing. The brain goes a mile a minute. No one really knows what goes on inside another’s mind. Like a recent t-shirt I saw that said something like, “I may look like I’m listening to you, but in my head I’m listening to The Monkees.” Same thing goes with thoughts. I may be discussing the latest health craze, but in my head I’m thinking of my beautiful cat who died almost a year ago. So, get over it; you never truly know another person.

In my research for this particular piece, I found so many articles supporting true friends telling each other everything. And not one article about friends being entitled to some privacy. So I think it’s time to start a new trend. A trend that says friendships shouldn’t be considered any “less” if someone wants to keep a secret or not talk about certain things. A trend that says true friends should be comfortable to set boundaries without getting offended. A trend that says honesty is the ability to know each other well enough to “not go there.” Or at least make the effort to try.

How about it, eh?

Maryanne Christiano-Mistretta is the author of “Love Cats” available on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback versions: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Cats-Maryanne-Christiano-Mistretta/dp/1681020513

13 comments on “True Friends Don’t Have to Tell Each Other Everything

  • Very well said! Even with true friends, there have to be boundaries. I tend to talk about different things with different friends. Doesn’t make any one of them less of a friend, it’s just that we respect what the other person would really rather not talk about.

    • Right on! I’m the same way. I don’t have “besties” or BFFs. My husband is my true best friend and all the others I treat as equals; spiritually I feel that’s what Jesus or Buddha would do. But that said, there are different areas you connect with different people. Some of the best conversations are when you zoom right in on something you both connect on. 🙂

  • I can totally relate to your story. Recently I had a bit of more difficult moments and it is so hard to explain my friends that I don’t want to talk about it every single day and that I don’t want to share all the details about it… I think that it is important to keep the boundaries when it comes to very personal things. My friend, one who ‘wanted to know it all’, is still a bit offended by my attitude, I hope that with time she will understand that it was nothing against her…

    • Hi Anjage, Thanks for sharing in such a classy, eloquent manner. I agree that difficult moments are not something that a person wants to share. And it’s sad that some people seem to thrive on it. I’ve been happily married for several years and with my husband since 2005, yet I have a few friends and relatives that just LOVE going backwards and talking about my boyfriends from way back when. I find that so irrelevant and boring and I’ve told them so 😉

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