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10 Common Foods That Smell Worse Than Durian

Published April 28, 2020 by Maryanne

DurianAlmighty Durian — The King of All Fruit! 

I’ve been a serious durian eater for almost 20 years. I first heard of durian when I was a raw foodist back in the day. I learned that the durian has more vitamins than any other fruit. And that it was absolutely delicious, but had a strange smell.

The first time I tried it, it was durian “ice cream” at a raw food restaurant in NYC. Since it was frozen, it had no smell. I even asked my guest, “Does it smell?” No, it didn’t. A short time after that, I got a real durian, in China Town. That’s when I realized it did have a bit of an odd smell, but it didn’t stop me from waiting for the fruit to defrost and dig in!

Durian is the most delicious thing you can imagine! It has the consistency of custard, and tastes like a cross between hazelnut, vanilla, banana, with a tinge of onion. Weird, but it works! Durian is absolutely addicting. Because of the vitamin content, you’ll be high for hours after eating one (or some of it, as there is truly a lot of fruit pudding in each pod!)

After I first broke my durian cherry, I was so hooked I was hoofing it to China Town once a week, carrying three with me on the bus home. Yes, it’s true, I had a three-per-week durian habit. Friends said I was like a crack addict when it came to durians. I loved them so much, I had one tattooed on my inner calf. And to this day, only one stranger approached me and asked, “Is that a durian?” No one else knows what it is. But it works when I’m in an Asian market, because the workers do not understand what I want until I show them my tattoo. Then they laugh and direct me to the fish area where everything is on ice.

It’s rare to meet a fellow durian lover. I’ve tried recruiting people, but the best comment I’ve heard was from my mother, “I like it, but I don’t love it.” People are mainly turned off by the smell. The durian has been compared to paint cleaner, a gas leak, and even garbage. Yeah, it’s true. Sometimes I’ll pass garbage in NYC and start dreaming about durian.

Okay, I get it, I won’t eat durian around anyone. But why do people get so bent out of shape with the mere mention of a durian? First thing out of their mouths, “It smells.” How original! (Note sarcasm!)

So, since people are so quick to judge my durian, let me put it out there that there are foods that stink worse–and YOU eat them! Yes, it’s true, and here they are in no particular order….

  1. Cold Cuts (aka lunch meat). There’s not much that makes me gag more than lunch meat. It has a nasty stench that makes you think it was slivered off the animal right then and there. This is what I’d imagine a dead person to smell like before embalming.
  2. Cheese. If it’s so accepted for stinky cheese to be good, then lay off my durians!
  3. Chinese Food. Don’t get me wrong, I love Chinese food–the dishes that are more on the plain side, like brown rice, moo shu, or vegetable lo mein. But what is that horrific sauce that is orange? The smell is so strong it knocks me over.
  4. Vinegar. First of all, I LOVE vinegar. When it’s on a salad, you barely notice that it stinks. But when people use it in their hair, or if a bottle breaks — hold your nose! Vinegar smells like dirty feet.
  5. Hot Dogs. If you think hot dogs smell good, you are thinking of the onions and sauerkraut toppings. A regular hot dog boiling is similar to what I described above for cold cuts. Blech!
  6. Tomato Juice. I was once seated at a lecture next to a woman who was drinking tomato juice. Now that was an unforgettable foul smell.
  7. Fish. This is one 90 percent will agree with.
  8. Alcohol. This is why I don’t like to dine out. If there’s a bar, you can smell stale alcohol and it ruins your appetite. It’s as if it’s stuck in the wood; even in the fanciest of restaurants, that diseased smell exists.
  9. Coffee with milk and sugar that is sitting around. Don’t get me wrong on this one, fresh-brewed hot, black, coffee is one of the greatest smells. But, cold coffee with milk and sugar, just hanging around for over an hour, has a smell that can make you gag.
  10. Cigarettes. Okay, this isn’t a food, but the way some people are addicted, it might as well be one of the food groups to them. And they are the worst stench of all! There is nothing sexy about cigarettes. When I see someone in the street smoking, I will cross the street just to avoid them. If I’m exposed to your cigarette smoke, I should be allowed to kill you. (That’s a joke).

What foods do you find most offensive? Share in the comment section below!  

Maryanne Christiano-Mistretta can be reached at: maryannechristiano@gmail.com.

She is available for blogging, ghost writing, writing. She is also available for book signings and motivational speaking engagements. She is the author of the following books :

“Be (Extra)Ordinary: 10 Ways to Become Your Own Hero” is available on Amazon. To get your paperback or Kindle version, visit: https://www.amazon.com/Be-Extra-Ordinary-Ways-Become/dp/1733546227

“I Don’t Want to Be Like You” is available on Amazon. To get your paperback, Kindle or audio copy, go here: https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Want-Be-Like-You/dp/1726273261

“The Gypsy Smiled” is available on Amazon. To get your paperback or Kindle version, go here: https://www.amazon.com/Gypsy-Smiled-Maryanne-Christiano-Mistretta-ebook/dp/B074VC7MT9

COVID-19 in the 1970s

Published April 8, 2020 by Maryanne

1970s_Albums

Everyone can use a laugh right now, so I came up with an idea. Let’s take a walk down memory lane and imagine, what if COVID-19 happened in the 1970s?

CB radio

In the 1970s truckers were communicating to each other on CB radios, a citizen’s band radio for short distance communication. If they were dealing with COVID19, the conversation would go a little something like this…

TRUCKER 1: Breaker Break. This here’s Social Distancer, can I get a check-point Charlie on a picklepark that has toilet paper?

TRUCKER 2: Good Buddy, this here’s Coughin’ Mouth. Negatory on the T.P.

gettyimages-74105388

There would be no dancing. The movie “Saturday Night Fever” would be known as “Saturday Night Fever, Tiredness, and Dry Cough.”

jaws_0

Jaws would be irrelevant. No one is going in the water. No one is going anywhere. But if we did, and the shark got us, he’d definitely spit out those nasty latex gloves!

Streaking

Streaking would still be a thing. Nudists social distancing — from their clothing!

Alice Cooper

Alice Cooper’s hit song “School’s Out” would also be relevant, especially the line, “School’s out forever.”

Corona Virus

Lava lamps would contain floating images of the COVID19 virus.

One_Day_at_a_Time_female_cast_1975

And like we’re doing today, we’d just have to take it One Day at a Time.

Stay safe and healthy!

Maryanne Christiano-Mistretta can be reached at: maryannechristiano@gmail.com.

She is available for blogging, ghost writing, writing. She is also available for book signings and motivational speaking engagements. She is the author of the following books :

“Be (Extra)Ordinary: 10 Ways to Become Your Own Hero” is available on Amazon. To get your paperback or Kindle version, visit: https://www.amazon.com/Be-Extra-Ordinary-Ways-Become/dp/1733546227

“I Don’t Want to Be Like You” is available on Amazon. To get your paperback, Kindle or audio copy, go here: https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Want-Be-Like-You/dp/1726273261

“The Gypsy Smiled” is available on Amazon. To get your paperback or Kindle version, go here: https://www.amazon.com/Gypsy-Smiled-Maryanne-Christiano-Mistretta-ebook/dp/B074VC7MT9

Beware of So-Called Health Joints

Published May 29, 2019 by Maryanne

Fresh Pressed JuiceCan you trust this dish? 

Health-conscious people already know this, but if you’re just starting out on your journey to health, I’m here to tell you BEWARE when you order food at your local juice place.

Here’s a little story about why I won’t support a certain juice place in Cranford, New Jersey.

When I recently ordered an acai bowl, I was told that there was no sugar in the granola. If I don’t want sugar in granola, it would make sense I’d want the unsweetened acai, right? Well, they give me the SWEETENED acai. When I told them I didn’t want sweetened, they insisted I pay for it!

I was dumbstruck! I was forced to pay for something I didn’t order. Then they said they would make another but I’d have to pay for it. I was in tears because I felt defeated. I never heard of treating a customer like that. So, begrudgingly, I handed over $36 for an acai bowl I didn’t want, a salad, and a juice.

Like the nice person I am, I gave my bowl away to another customer and walked out.

I know this company has another store in Bernardsville, New Jersey, so I called hoping the owner was there. She was. I complained and she got very defensive. She took my complaint personally, which was bizarre. But in the end, she did say she’d give me another free. She called the Cranford store to tell them to make me another. Mind you, I’m self employed and all this running back and forth took so much out of my busy day, but it’s the principal, right? And that’s why you do take out, to save time from cooking, right? Well, not today.

When I got back to the Cranford store, the two workers gave me the dirtiest looks! When one of them handed me the unsweetened acai bowl, she looked like she was handing over her car keys to a parent who punished her. If looks could kill I would have been DOA! WOW.

To lighten the mood I asked jokingly, “Did you spit in it?”

She didn’t get the joke.

“No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” she squealed like a pig in heat. Meanwhile a customer standing by with a stick up her arse gave me a nasty look too.

(This is where you want to scream, “Eat a hamburger! Your vegan diet is making you cray-cray!)

I walked out with my mind made up, I will never go there again. I do not like nasty people who can’t own up to the fact that THEY messed up!

The real kicker was, while complaining to the owner, I had a quick conversation about health with her (which ended shortly because she was totally clueless). She insisted that cane sugar is HEALTHIER than fresh fruit! Unbelievable.

The moral of the story is, you can’t trust places that claim they are healthy. Unless you are on top of them, asking to read every ingredient, you most likely will end up with sugar in your meal. If you’re a vegan, or just someone concerned about your health,  honestly, you are better off going to White Castle for an Impossible Burger. At least you know it’s junk food and it’s not disguised as “health” food.

Maryanne Christiano-Mistretta can be reached at: maryannechristiano@gmail.com.

She is available for blogging, ghost writing, writing, and motivational speaking engagements. She is the author of the following books:

“Be (Extra)Ordinary: Ten Ways to Become Your Own Hero” will be available October 2019. To pre-order, go here: https://kicamprojects.com/shop/be-extraordinary/

“I Don’t Want to Be Like You” is available on Amazon. To get your copy, go here: https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Want-Be-Like-You/dp/1726273261

All About Eve

Published May 7, 2017 by Maryanne

SAM_2438Drawing by Maryanne Christiano-Mistretta

All About Eve

All about Eve?

What about me?

In a superficial society.

Trendy, Fendi,

Keeping up with Beyonce

Spending at your local foods

People are so freakin’ rude

Pushing shop carts into butts

Let their kids do what they want.

Monopolize the conversation

It’s better than a sex sensation

Demean others, even your friends

The main thing is to “win, win, win.”

Do it daily, do it loud

Do it often so you feel proud

Raise your kid the same way

She’s a princess every day

Problems in the world we see

Ignorance, sickness, poverty

Change would be nice, if only …

Yet we still chant, “Me! Me! Me!”

And, you know, it’s nothing new,

Eve was all about “me” too.

Back then it was forbidden fruit,

Now it’s Botox to stay cute.

Charlton Heston, was once the rage, uh-huh

No one cares what Moses claimed; uh-huh

And the ME goes on. And the ME goes on.

On.

On.

On.

On.

Copyright 2017, Maryanne Christiano-Mistretta

All rights reserved.

How Many Husbands?

Published July 20, 2013 by Maryanne

woman two suitors

This morning I was in a Hallmark store waiting for a gift to be wrapped, so I just stood to the side and let other customers go to the next register.

There was a man with a cane standing next to me, probably in his 60s or 70s. I had my left arm resting over my bag at the counter and he said, “That’s nice,” as he pointed to my left arm.

“Oh, thank you!” I said, assuming he was talking about my wedding band.

“How many do you have?” he asked.

“Husbands?!” I asked, with a smile on my face.

He looked baffled as I was, as he was referring to the tattoo on my wrist — not my wedding band.

Please Note: New Phone Number

Published June 19, 2013 by Maryanne

phone

EMAIL FROM A FRIEND:

Hello!
 
New Phone Number – Please Note
 
XXXXX
 
Sincerely,
XXXXX
MY RESPONSE:
A phone number? How refreshing. I thought people only texted and emailed each other — or so I was “trained” to do so by friends over the past few years. That said, I’ll disregard this email because I don’t call anyone anymore unless they call me. It’s the nature of the me-me-me world — I’m turning into “one of them.”

Good Old Songs or Good Ole Songs? There IS a Difference!

Published March 21, 2013 by Maryanne

Squeek SteeleMy client, Squeek Steele

In addition to writing, book editing, marketing/promoting, I also manage entertainers.

The entertainers I manage are all retired or semi-retired seniors and I get them gigs at assisted living facilities, hospitals and libraries. Some have been with me since 2009.

Squeek Steele is an amazing pianist who performs the old rag time music on piano. I call her “flying fingers” because her fingers fly across the piano.

Check her out:

Squeek is from Virginia City, Nevada, and whenever she ventures out to New Jersey, she’ll call me to book her some gigs.

I gave her website to an assisted living facility that often has coffee socials and called them back a few days later to follow up.

The activities director said, “We would LOVE to have that handsome gentleman come perform!”

I was confused.

“Handsome gentleman? Squeek is a lady,” I said.

“A lady?” The activities director was confused too.

I was wondering if she had the right person, so I asked her if she was at a computer. She was. I gave her Squeek’s website and spoke slowly to make sure she got it right. Squeek’s site is: Good Old Songs dot com (http://www.goodoldsongs.com/).

Well, turned out, the activities director went to Good Ole Songs dot com (http://www.goodolesongs.com/) which is the website for entertainer, Tommy Schlein — all the way from Victoria, Texas!

TommyTommy Schlein

After having a good laugh with the activities director, I checked out Tommy Schlein’s website and was very impressed with his talent. And since this story was so funny, I decided to reach out to him with an email, explaining what had happened.

Within a half hour, Tommy called me! We had a great conversation and a great laugh. Turns out, like myself, he’s a Christian too.

It just goes to show how funny life can be when you’re least expecting it — and how you never know the nice people you’ll meet along the way. And if Tommy ever decides to visit New Jersey — he already is building his fan base, with me and the activities director it’s a pretty good start!

NOTE: The activities director wanted to book Squeek too, but the dates she was available didn’t jive with what the director had open on her calendar.

The Four Types of Clients You’ll Encounter

Published March 20, 2013 by Maryanne

home-based business

The Four Types of Clients You’ll Encounter

by Maryanne Christiano-Mistretta(originally published in The Verona/Cedar Grove Patch, March 2013)

Bending over backward to keep each and every client is the biggest mistake small business owners make.

When you run your own business, having more clients doesn’t always mean more profit. In fact, some clients can be so detrimental to your business having them onboard can make you lose business.

The key to running a successful home based business is identifying which clients to keep and which to pass on. There is nothing wrong with having a “pecking order” when running your own business, putting the more desirable clients at the top.

In order to figure out which clients are worth keeping and putting before others, successful small business owners summarize their clients into four categories:
  1. High Profit/Low Maintenance. These are obviously the clients you want to keep because they pay well and are easy to work with. In other words, a small business owner’s dream! They are organized. They are easy to communicate with. They pay on time. They utilize your talents to the best ability. There is a mutual trust and respect. They may even give you a Christmas present or bonus! If you can develop a great relationship with these clients and keep them, you are so ahead of the game as you’ll be making money almost effortlessly.
  2. High Profit/High Maintenance. Whether you choose to keep these clients or not is up to you. The high profit/high maintenance client may drive you up a wall. There may be drama, unexpected phone calls when you’re on the beach vacationing, a ton of stress, disorganization and so forth. But the pay will be well worth it. To me, high maintenance can be amusing if you keep your sense of humor. Unless high maintenance goes too far by crossing the line of respect, eating up all your spare time, making you cry or reach for a glass of vodka after working with such clients, I say “go for it.” After all, sometimes big money comes with a small price.
  3. Low Profit/Low Maintenance. Sometimes a client may come along who doesn’t have a large budget or is asking for a task that doesn’t require too much skill or effort so the pay is lower than usual. But I say to keep these clients on board because it’s easy income. And you never know when you’re going to hit a slow period. Also note that sometimes a low profit/low maintenance client can eventually become a high profit/low maintenance client. That happened to me a few times. I did such a great job at a low profit level, a client willingly increased my rate!
  4. Low Profit/High Maintenance. I’m not afraid to say these clients are the worst and should definitely not to be kept. They will expect you to jump through hoops while paying you peanuts. There will always be stress, tension, misunderstandings, frustration and possibly tears. The hours will add up and you’ll have nothing to show for it but aggravation. You may find yourself passing up work from other clients because you are so wrapped up in this nightmare of a project, which isn’t fair to you, your other clients or your business. Just say “no” and move on.

By immediately recognizing a low profit/high maintenance client you can let him or her down easily by saying that you are currently over-booked and can’t take on a new client at this time.

Or just be honest and tell them their rate is too low. But try to keep the working relationship positive, as you never know what can change in the future.

And I am available for small business consulting! My rates are cheaper than competitive rates. Email me for more details at: maryannechristiano@gmail.com

Maryanne Christiano-Mistretta is also available for blogging, ghost writing, writing. She is also available for book signings and motivational speaking engagements. She is the author of the following books :

“Be (Extra)Ordinary: 10 Ways to Become Your Own Hero” is available on Amazon. To get your paperback or Kindle version, visit: https://www.amazon.com/Be-Extra-Ordinary-Ways-Become/dp/1733546227

“I Don’t Want to Be Like You” is available on Amazon. To get your paperback, Kindle or audio copy, go here: https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Want-Be-Like-You/dp/1726273261

American Idol or Audition for Omega Man Remake?

Published March 14, 2013 by Maryanne

Nicki Minaj - Omega Man lookNicki Minaj, American Idol judge

So, Nicki,our dear little lady bug, what is up?

You were so pretty the last couple weeks

with your toned down style

softer hair and fresh make-up.

You were giving your audience

everything that we needed!

You looked like a little mini marshmallow

that everybody just wanted to eat!

What happened to our little lady bug?

We want our little girl back.

Omega Man bettter picOmega Man, 1971